As a practicing psychologist over the last 30 years I have helped hundreds of couples examine and improve the quality of their relationships.  While the ingredients of a healthy relationship will forever remain the same; trust, respect, and open and honest communication, to name a few, somethings have changed significantly.   One of these changes is the way in which we communicate.  With e-mail, texts, and Facebook, we have new ways of communicating and keeping in touch with the world around us.  However, these new ways bring with them a whole new set of relationship issues through which to navigate.

One common mistake, made by those I have recently counseled, involves the attempt to address conflict and issues through text messages and e-mails.  It is not a wise practice to attempt to communicate about emotionally charged issues electronically.  There is too much room for miscommunication.  Even small issues can easily escalate into major conflicts.  A guiding rule to follow: Don’t text and expect meaningful communication!  Miscommunication through electronic communication is not surprising when you consider that only 7% of effective communication is verbal.  Effective emotional communication strongly depends upon accurate visual information.  In an informational exchange, it is estimated that 38% of effective communication depends on accurate assessment of vocal tone and inflection, and 55% relies on facial expression and body language.  This means that 93% of the information we need to communicate effectively is lacking in electronic communication!!

When I counsel couples, one guiding rule is that they do not attempt to communicate any meaningful emotional issues through e-mail or texting.  By all means, you can text your grocery lists, schedule changes, and positive affections, but leave the communication on emotionally charged issues for face-to-face time together.  Learning to sit down and respectfully listen to one another requires the ability to process all the emotional information available, and in the moment.  Effective emotional communication cannot, nor will it ever be, through electronic methods.  It is only that human-to-human, face-to-face communication, with a genuine desire to understand and respect one another, that we have the ability to accurately interpret and convey the emotional information we need to both give and receive in building and enriching genuine emotional intimacy. 

For more information on building effective relationship communication, I highly recommend John Gottman’s book, The Relationship Cure.  In this book, Dr. Gottman lays out five steps for guiding and strengthening marriages, families, and friendships.  This book has a good deal of useful information.

Inside each and every one of us is the potential to accomplish great things in a way that is uniquely our own.  Abraham Maslow, the great motivational psychologist, wrote about becoming “self -actualized.”   He used the term to describe those unique individuals who had tapped into their inherent greatness, and found  unique ways of sharing that greatness with the world.  The ability to self actualize is within each of us; it’s programmed into our DNA.

Jesus spoke of this self -actualizing process. He taught that for those who believe they could and would, do even greater things than he.  This was his way of encouraging us to recognize that within each of us is the potential for greatness.  To bring out our greatness, however, requires a willingness to do two things:

 1)   Believe that there is greatness within you.  Nothing positive can happen until we first believe.  Belief  is what opens the doorway into  positive potential.

 2)  Affirm that your greatness is found in a power and wisdom that is beyond yourself.  The human ego loves to celebrate it’s specialness. Thinking of one’s self as “special” is not what were talking about here.  No one is special, but every one is unique.

Once you are willing to believe:  1) There is a power in you that is a source for unlimited  good.   2) This power seeks to manifest  in ways that are uniquely your own.   3)  This power is  in you, but not of  you.    Now, you are on your way to self -actualizing.  One might think of  positive potential as the energy of unconditional love waiting for the opportunity to manifest in the world.  You are here for a purpose and have within you the potential to manifest  good.  

There are those in need of your unique service, that is, your manifestation of greatness.   They are waiting on you!  Awaken  to your potential and fulfill the role that you have been assigned.  It  is your divine destiny.  To live a life of anything less is not to have really lived at all!!

Power Lesson #4  God can do no more for you than He can do through you.

So often we look at life and our relationships and ask “Why God?”  Why can’t things be different? We pray and seek change, but things continue along the same old path, and it seems the only change we experience is with those things we wish could remain the same.  It’s easy to question why God is not more  influential in our healing.  These are the moments when we need to step back and remind ourselves of two very important facts:

1) God is a word used to describe the power of unconditional love. God is love-literally.

2) To experience love, we must give it away.  Try holding on to love and you lose it. 

God (love) can do no more for us than we are willing to allow it to do through us.   To experience the power of miracles in our lives, we must give love away abundantly.  The more we give it away, the more it flows back to us and manifests in abundant and fruitful ways through a wisdom that only love knows. 

God can do no more for us than we allow love to flow through us.  Need some miracles??? Open your eyes and look around you.  See all the opportunities to give your love, kindness and compassion away, and for no good reason other than because you see the need and you have love to give.  Give your love away abundantly and watch the healing miracles flow into your life.

Power Lesson #3  We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are.

Reality, as we experience it, is nothing more than a reflection of our deeply held beliefs and convictions.  We now have over six billion people in the world, so we  now have over six billion conflicting realities all attempting to co -exist and demanding validation!  Is it any wonder we battle and war against  one another ? 

Wayne Dyer is  fond of saying “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”  This is, of course, his way of saying that we never see things as they are, but rather as we are.  We spend countless hours and infinite amounts of creative energy  attempting to persuade others to see the world as we do.  We have politicians who invest entire careers in telling us how we should perceive things; all while spinning to fit their own personal agenda. 

Of course, we all engage in the game of political posturing; attempting to persuade others to our point of view, so we can experience the false security that comes with having our view of the world validated.  If, for one minute, we could all step back aand realize that none of us have it completely right, and there is value (not to mention fascination and humor) in listening to each others’ distorted points of view, we would open  a window for reason to prevail.  In that brief monent , we might simultaneously see that we are all wrong and all right, all at the same time.  None of us see things as they truly are, and all of us deserve to be valued and respected; now the window is open for an experience in oneness. 

We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are.  That is how it was created to be.  The world was not intended to be a place for validating our personal points of view.  It was, rather, intended to serve as a mirror for evaluating  how we are doing in learning  to love one another unconditionally.  That is how I see it and I do recognize –it’s just my point of view.  What’s yours?

1  No wonder

Power Lesson #2:  Faith is another word for expectancy. 

  Faith is the power of belief manifesting.  In psychology we talk of the power of the “self-fulfilling prophecy.”  It is an uncanny way in which–what we expect becomes what we eperience.  You expect the worst and you experience the worst.  Folks who spend large portions of their time worrying about the future attract into their lives the very stuff they’re worrying about!!  It’s just the power of  thought manifesting in the physical world.

Of course, the opposite is true as well.  When we expect great things, great things show up.  The bottom line is we don’t get in life what we want, nor do we get in life what we pray for.  We get in life what we expect.  This is because what we expect  is the reflection of what we are believing to be true.  Henry Ford  once said “Believe you can or  believe you can’t, either way you are right.”

Faith is another word for expectation.  Do you like what life is showing you?  If not make a decision to change your mind and change your life.  Change what you are expecting out of life and you change the quality of your life. Always remember -we don’t always get what we want-but we always get what we expect!

            “The greatest power in all the universe rests in mans ability to change his mind.” 

                                                                                                                                Albert Einstein

Eastern religions teach that the world is but a reflection of our state of mind.  Einstein’s quote reminds us of this fact (Yes, it is now a well established fact that our thoughts and the world out there are intimately entangled.) Einstein was also quoted as saying, “The world is an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ”

OUR TOUGHTS ARE A POWERFUL CREATIVE FORCE.  Change the way you think and you change the quality of you life.  With this in mind, my next ten postings will explore 10 powerful  thoughts which I have found to be extremely helpful in raising my level of consciousness and improving the quality of my life.  These thoughts have come to me over the last month through my readings, meditations, and discussions with friends and colleagues.  I hope you find them as powerful as I have.

Power Lesson #1  The True Meaning  Of Christmas

Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus. Jesus’ birth is not a celebration of God becoming man, but of man claiming his oneness with God.  Through  his life and ministry, Jesus taught that the Kingdom of Heaven could only be found within one’s self (Luke 17:21).  Within each and every one of us live the power that created the universe. The power of the divine lives within each of us and is activated through our willingness to believe.  Jesus encouraged us to realize that we are capable of even greater things than he (if we choose to believe).

Jesus does not call us to worship him, but to emulate him.  We are called to claim our divinity; to put on the mind of Christ, through which miracles become  natural expressions of love..  We are called not to act as he did, but to think as he did.  Action is a product of thought.  When we adopt the mindset of Jesus we rediscover our oneness with God and anything becomes possible.   Merry Christmas!!!